her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
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Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
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I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
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