the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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