Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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