Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
