ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
