I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Randomize
