Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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