I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
It's just like the Real World with babies
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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