Old men and throwing up are my life now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
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He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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