I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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