the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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