I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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