Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
