Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
