one might say we're banned from that church
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Randomize
