Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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