I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
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