My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
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