I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
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I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
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We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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