I heard we made out
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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