after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
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