everyone is single if you try hard enough
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
