Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
