Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize
