If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
