Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
