ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
