He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
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