She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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