covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
