it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I need to calm my uterus...
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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