You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
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