Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
