I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
