I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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