someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
