I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
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