Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
