yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
