the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
