somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
