Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
