Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
