I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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