I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
