GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
