I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
