As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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