Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
