i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
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