Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
