I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
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