Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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