Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
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I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
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My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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