I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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