I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
