I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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